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 What Don’t Children Need

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PostSubject: What Don’t Children Need   Thu Jan 13, 2011 10:39 am

What Don’t Children Need
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What Don’t Children Need

Whatever the planned end result of your child’s success, all children start with the same needs and wants. Essentially it’s the same plan to create the most successful life.

The best and most powerful thing to realize is that you can’t stuff it up with one mistake. Non of us are perfect, so you are going to make mistakes You’ll lose your temper, forget to watch a game, say no to something deeply important. Funnily enough it’s as much our own mistakes in parenting as our successes that can contribute to our children’s success. Our mistakes can give our children a point of comparison.

Most children who grow to be hugely successful had often almost dysfunctional upbringings. They may have lost a parent early on, lived in near poverty or just never fitted into school. There are many external factors that occur to our children that we have no control over. And these things, instead of being a negative influence, can turn around and become part of what creates success for them. Perfection is not required.

Luxury is also not a necessary part of your child’s success. Children who grow up in luxurious surrounds with all their physical needs met don’t develop the hunger they need to g out and make it on their own. They have no need to- to all intents and purposes they’ve already got it.

Some very wealthy people choose to raise their children very humbly and simply to encourage them to create their own path to success.

If we provide our children with everything they need, and everything they want, they have no reason to solve the problem of how to get what they want. If you are familiar with the story of Charlie and the Chocolate factory, the characters of each



child besides Charlie are of parents who love their children through indulgence.

If we have a lot it feels natural to give to our children. However the best gift we can impart is the gift of developing their own resourcefulness. It’s a little bit more of a long term thing, but it’s a powerful gift to give.

This is great news for those parents amongst us who worry about how a lack of finances can negatively impact their child. It doesn’t need to. The saying necessity is the mother of invention is certainly true when it comes to our children developing creative and inquiring minds.

CASE STUDY

Megan has three children. Last year she was earning a lot of money and it really was easy to let her children take lots of lessons after school in ballet, drama and French. They pretty much we allowed to do what they want. Their wardrobes were filled with designer clothes, and the toys were everywhere.

Megan’s children weren’t spoilt in behavior but they were very blasé about looking after their possessions as it all felt a little easy come, easy goes. But Megan persevered.

Around four months ago Megan lost several large contracts and suddenly had more time to spend with the children, but also discovered it wasn’t so easy to just go out and buy things with the children, or fill their after school time with activities

Much to her surprise her children didn’t complain. In fact they said they enjoyed the time they have now more. They have become experts at finding free or very cheap activities to do together as a family that are often educational and inspiring. Her eldest child, though a little too young to work, has begun to display strong entrepreneurial skills after Megan explained that



the extra money for treats had to come from somewhere, and that somewhere wasn’t going to be her own bank balance.

Megan’s discovered that not giving her children everything can sometimes be one of the most important gifts you can pass onto your child.



What They Do Need

The path to our children’s success begins right at the start. Our children are not born as an empty vessel, waiting to be filled. Each one already has some innate talents, a personality that will develop and grow. If you have more than one child, you’ll know how amazing it is to watch both children grow up in the same environment but grow so differently, and respond to different things.

While our child is not an empty vessel, they are a little like a sponge, absorbing both the good and bad that comes their way. It’s our job to create an environment that gives them a strong foundation to build their success from.

Of course each and every one of us can think of one famous, extraordinarily success person who can from such horror and heartbreak that we look at that and see that only people with a tortured home life have the ability to succeed. But for every story of horror, there are far more people who succeed from happy, settled and sorted homes- their stories just don’t make quite as good a read!

To start the foundations right, all children need an environment of good boundaries, routines, rules and responsibility. These words are often bandied about but the following is a basic rundown of how these work to created success.



BOUNDARIES

These are not hard fences, but are rather the universal laws governing your home. The first boundary has to be love, and is best started from birth. Your child’s understanding of unconditional love, that you’ll be there for them no matter what begins here. If this boundary is well established everything else is easier. You need to attend to your baby’s needs, as they occur, and learn to read the personality of your baby and adapt your parenting to suit. One baby may be best suited to being held for long periods of time, born touch hungry, while another one prefers to have time alone in their cot. Each child needs to be parented differently.

After love, comes consequences. Focus on natural consequences, such as tidying up a mess they’ve made themselves, paying for the window they broke, or apologizing face to face for a wrong they’ve committed. This has to be age appropriate (young children may sometimes only clean up a portion of the mess, and you help with the rest), and it needs to be consistent. Every one is allowed to have a rough day where you just sort it out yourself, but it’s good to keep going with the boundaries you’ve created. The chief boundaries basically boil down to three important precepts: Respect for self, respect for others, and respect for things.

Creating good boundaries is important. As an adult we sometimes make conscious decisions to enlarge our boundaries, to allow people to walk over us a little, or sometimes we do the same to them, particularly in business. But well established boundaries help in all areas of our life from relationships to business. They help us to avoid addiction, and build positive, strong and effective relationships with others- all of which add to our success.



CHALLENGE: Spend some time looking at the boundaries, the natural boundaries you have today. These are often our physical environment, our state of fitness and finances, and time to list a few. See how these all naturally curtail us and create boundaries? Of course for huge success to happen most of us need to step outside these boundaries at some point, and walk almost by faith, but this works best if we first know where the boundaries lie, and which ones are more important (those that are relationship based for example) than others.

ROUTINES

For some routines adds a certain gleam to the eye, while for others cultivating routines send you into the realm of panic attacks.

While some like to run a home with military precision, the most positive way to create routine is out of need, rather than a quest for perfection. Perfection creates stress and anxiety.

We want a happy, full home for our children instead. A home with children in it shouldn’t be immaculate all hours of the day- children thrive best in a slightly unkempt and creative atmosphere. If you’ve spent more time in the last week cleaning than interacting with your children, you may need to renegotiate how you are allocating your time.

Routines cater to a child’s most basic needs: for food, sleep, shelter, health and sense of self. When looking at these, you can see why it’s important to add routines for mealtimes, bedtimes, and bath times and time with you or alone. It doesn’t need to be regimented to the minute, though it is probably a good idea for both you and your child if some things are. For example, select several types of food for breakfast, and your child can choose amongst those every day, rather than have a new and improved breakfast every morning. Set a bed time, and stick to it.



The best thing about routines is not about the sticking to them black and blue, day in and day out part. The best thing is when you decide to trust your child to a non routine moment. A child LOVES the occasional late night far more if they know it’s secretly past their bedtime. Kids love getting pancakes on a Sunday as it means it’s a different day to the rest f the week when all they had was toast or cornflakes. If everyday is a haphazard day they don’t have anything to center themselves on, and treats get all mixed into the chaos.

CHALLENGE: Set some routines in place- and let them suit both you and your children. Sit down with them to explain any changes and then introduce them. If you are not used to giving your children routines, do expect some resistance (can feel like a lot!) and just remember to be consistent and calm while making sure those new routines get established. Some children will adjust easier; others will take up to three weeks to adjust. I fit’s a good routine (such as a regular bedtime) you may be surprised at how fast you being to see some huge payoffs for your decision.

RULES

All rules stem from the boundaries we’ve created. There doesn’t need to be a lot of these, in fact it’s easier to keep them as simple and as consistent as possible. Develop rules that both develop a good sense of respect for self, others and things, and develops responsibility

Most of us work better if we have a little carrot in front of us. It may be money, or time off, or the longer term payoff of a better relationship. These are the things that drive us.

Rules are far more likely to be adhered to if children can see the payoff for doing so. Work out consequences for rules not being adhered to and stick to them firmly right from the start. If your child is consistently bucking the system, look at the rules. Does



your child perceive its fair? Are they confused as one day you make them stick to the rules and the next day you don’t? Keep it simple, keep it consistent. Sit down and work out the basic rules of your home. These can be quite broad, and relate back to the boundaries

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